Embrace

I wrote recently about "ubuntu" - their concept of community - and how daily life here is infused with it. Another aspect of their communal tradition is the tradition of physical affection. I have witnessed, and been subjected to at least 7 different variations of physical greetings. There are five handshake varieties. Of course, there is the standard handshake, but that is usually only used between two people who have known each other for a while, and have been seeing each other often, and expect to see each other again soon... and one of them is white. Then there is the standard handshake with the off hand placed over the back of the hand being shaken. This is usually accompanied by the biggest smile you have ever seen. It is a sign of respect, and also a sign of warmth and welcome. Third, there is a standard handshake with the off hand (usually the left), being placed over the person's own forearm, near the elbow. This is a definite sign of respect, and I have seen young men use it more commonly, even when greeting me. Another handshake is simply a standard clasp with the off hand on the other person's shoulder. This will often be held for quite some time, and it seems to be more a sign of mutual brotherhood. Finally, there is the "shifting" handshake. This handshake begins as a standard hand grasp, but then shifts to a different grip, like the one you'd use if you were arm-wrestling, and then back to the standard grasp. Most often, it will just shift twice, from standard, to arm-wrestling, and back to standard. Sometimes, however, this will go on for as long as the conversation does. I gather that this is the most familiar, and so I am honored that so many people here choose to shake my hand in this fashion. The other two greetings are embraces, and they are just as common as handshakes. There is the normal embrace, with all of the varying subtleties we are familiar with (the side-hug, the bro-pat, the handshake-hug, etc...), and then there is the famous alternating kiss-on-the-cheek hug (sometimes they are actual kisses, and sometimes it is simply cheek-to-cheek contact). In Rwanda, there are three kisses (i.e. left-right-left), and in Kenya, two is more common. Physical affection is so comfortable and familiar in African culture, that it is common to see men walking holding hands or with their arms around each other, and certainly the women do too.

With the abundance and comfortability of physical affection in this culture, it has been surprising to me that husbands and wives almost never touch. Even among pastors and their wives. No wonder Faustin asked Ed to come and give a marriage conference. During the conference, the couples sit together, but that's all. I can tell that it has been groundbreaking for them. They are wrestling with the text, asking really good questions, and dialoguing with each other after sessions. Frequently, I'll see a handful of wives look at their husbands all at the same time. "Is he getting this?" Just as often, a number of husbands will glance in unison at their wives. "See, I told you so." Seems like bitterness is not only between tribes. In a culture of extreme male domination, much of the "submit, one to another" teaching is groundbreaking for them. But then again, it's groundbreaking for us too. Every culture around the world is plagued with selfishness. These problems that pastors and their wives are facing in Rwanda are the same problems that pastors and their wives are facing in the US, and all around the world. God wrote one book for all mankind. Not one book for each culture. Common problems have a common solution. What is miraculous is that, despite being rooted in cultural traditions, these people are fighting to stay open-minded. And it's making a difference.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, when Ed had finished teaching, Faustin had everyone stand up. The stone faces showed clearly that they were thinking hard. Yet, there still seemed to be some resistance. Walls. If not in action, at least in attitude. So Faustin asked all of the couples to embrace. The release of tension was unmistakably palpable. Everyone laughed. Some of the men gave their wives a "Hey baby" look. Some of the wives gave their husbands a "Come hither" stare. They were embarrassed, but they were all embarrassed together. It was joyful.

Today, at the end of the day, again, after Ed had finished teaching, some of those present came up one by one to speak. I didn't recognize an immediate connection between them - the weren't all men, they weren't all women, they weren't all old or young, they weren't all from the same church location. Ed had a translator sitting next to him, but I couldn't make out what he was saying, and of course I didn't have a clue what the various speakers were talking about. Then Faustin called up a bunch of people, and I noticed only that the people up front were those who had spoken and their spouses. They went around in a circle, each speaking briefly, then they prayed, and then Faustin asked them to embrace again. Again, there was a concrete release of apprehensiveness, and lots of laughter. Only later did I find out what had happened. Each person who had come up front was publicly apologizing to their partner for years of poor treatment. This was prompted only by the impact of the conference upon their hearts. When Faustin called them all up with their partners, he was asking each of their partners, point blank, "Do you accept your partner's apology? Do you forgive them?" In some cases, there had been hesitation, some were reluctant to allow the wall to come down. But the answer was always yes. It's clear that they are learning the principle of embrace. They are learning to do with their spouse what they do with everyone else in their culture. To embrace someone is to make a outward display of acceptance. It is to say "Despite what I may or may not know about who you are, I receive you unto myself without condition." Yet embrace is deeper than an outward display. It is an attitude of the heart. In some of these cases, it will take years for these ideas to sink in. But by keeping their minds and hearts open to what the Word has to say about marriage and relationships, they have each opened their arms, literally and metaphorically to their respective partners. It's already apparent how they will continue to experience freedom and joy as they continue to embrace what they have learned in the past three days.