MMXII

The year 2012. It's been on your mind whether you know it or not. Hollywood's been obsessed with it lately. Indiana Jones had to return the proverbial (a) crystal skull to the metaphysical aliens by the year 2012. According to the film, he accomplished the task in 1957. Whew. Just in time. In the year 2012, everyone will turn into zombies. Thank goodness we have Will Smith to blow himself up for no good reason. Even "Death Race" was meant to take place after the economy collapses in 2012... but wait... that already happened (b). As usual, for anyone who didn't already get the 2012 message, Hollywood is poised to slap us all in the face with it. Currently set for release are two major films that are just called "2012". That's it - no equivocation. Well, almost none. The first is Columbia pictures release "2012", which comes out today. Most of us have seen the trailers. The second, Warner Brothers' "2012: The War for Souls" will debut sometime in early 2010. These are only the most notable of over 20 films on the subjects in various stages of production between 2007 and 2011. This is in keeping with the 4th Law of Thermodynamics, which states that competing production companies must always produce at least 2 films on the same topic simultaneously (c). I'll forego a rant about disaster movies - because that's been beaten like a dead horse riding a tidal wave inside a tornado on the surface of an asteroid hurdling towards an angry volcano - and instead focus on the 2012 issue itself.

December 21, 2012 marks the end of the Mayan calendar. That's right. All this commotion stems from the culmination of a calendar developed by an ancient civilization that is all but extinct, save a handful of distant modern relatives. The Maya were very advanced mathematicians and astronomers, accounting for a very complex and accurate calendar system. Does it exist within the realm of possibility that, due to their advancements, they were able to pinpoint the date of the end of the world (a task no civilization since has matched or understood)? Sure, it's possible. Here's another scenario that exists within the realm of possibility: Jesus came to visit the Maya and said "Hey guys, I've got a chosen people and all, and I'm going to give most of my divine revelation to them, but I wanted you guys to be the first to know that the end of the world is going to happen on December 21st, 2012. Mark your calendars!" Ridiculous, but just as likely as the idea that an ancient civilization accurately predicted the end of the world. What's more likely is that the Mayan calendar is based on cycles of time (d), and December 21, 2012 just happens to be the end of one cycle. Either that, or the Mayans got tired of counting. You'd get burned out too if it was your job to make day planners for the next 5125 years.

A little Mayan calendar 101: The Maya essentially had 4 calendars. The Tzolk'in calendar was a 260 day cycle upon which most of the Mayan sacred days and religious events were based. The Haab calendar was a 365 day cycle drawn from astronomical research. It featured twenty 18-day months, and a period of 5 "nameless" days at the end of the year. A third calendar which we know as the "calendar round" constitutes the Mayan method of counting years. Neither of the shorter calendars did this, but every 52 Haab years, the Tzolk'in new year would fall on the same day, and because this cycle was a decent approximation of Mayan life expectancy, it also served as a good method of following generational history. The calendar in question - the one that "foretells" our fateful year of 2012 - is known as the Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar. It begins in correspondence with the creation date of Mayan mythology, August 11, 3114 BC, and ends on December 21, 2012 AD. Yes, it is within reason to conclude that 2012 would mark the destruction date of Mayan mythology if 3114 BC marked the creation date. But it is MORE within reason to conclude that, because the Maya viewed time as cyclical, they would expect a new cycle to begin. There's even evidence that suggests the Maya believed there to have been another cycle before their mythological creation date.

What does this all mean for us? Nothing. Well, maybe we'll be goaded to the theater a few times to see a handful of poorly written, yet mildly entertaining movies. But other than that, nothing. Yes, I'm among the throngs of movie-goers (e) who will probably go see "2012". Maybe I'll get to see John Cusack die. Something tells me that, though the world and all of humanity pass away, yet Cusack will live on. And some lucky girl will get to be the one with whom he (f) repopulates the Earth. Also, the trailers have me all excited about seeing that tidal wave coming over the Himalayas harder than the People's Liberation Army. Who knew that it would be water, and not China, that would finally level Nepal (g)? And I've got money riding on the Golden Gate Bridge as the first US landmark to go down in the movie (h). Disaster movies treat the Statue of Lilberty and the Golden Gate Bridge like unwanted stepchildren. The Statue gets taken out behind the woodshed in "Cloverfield", "Planet of the Apes", "AI", "Ghostbusters 2", "Independence Day", "X-Men", "Deep Impact", "The Day After Tomorrow", and "Knowing". The Bridge gets a thumping in "It Came from Beneath the Sea", "Superman the Movie", "Deep Impact", "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", "Earthquake", "The Core", and the instant classic "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus", and it very nearly meets its end in the new "Star Trek" movie, as well as "A View to a Kill" and "The Rock". Mostly, however, I'm looking forward to the personal hope that this movie will inspire within me. Not a hope in the ability we have as humans to overcome tragedy. Not the hope that I will outlive civilization, and our planet itself. Not even a hope that some day, in the midst of dire circumstances, I'll meet a girl and fall in love, happily thinking of the great life we'd have together if the world wasn't literally falling apart beneath our feet. The hope I'm hoping for is the hope that one day, as a middle-aged white male, I may be professionally insignificant enough, average-looking enough, and - with some practice - charmingly quirky enough that the world may turn to me in its hour of greatest need. I may require assistance from an incredibly likable, highly skilled black man with an endless supply of witticisms, but like Nicholas Cage, Jeff Goldblum, or John Cusack (i), I will have my moment in the sun (j). Yes, the world will turn to me in its hour of need. I will say to the world "Whoops. Let's try that again, shall we?"

Footnotes:

a. - No. There isn't a proverb.

b. - Jason Statham was played by Secretary Paulson.

c. - i.e. Volcano vs. Dante's Peak, Armageddon vs. Deep Impact, and (inexplicably) 43 different films about penguins.

d. - It's likely because the Mayan calendar is based on cycles of time.

e. - i.e. sheep

f. - or maybe Morgan Freeman if she's not so lucky

g. - Apparently the Mayans knew.

h. - Odds:

The Statue of Liberty 2-5

The Golden Gate Bridge 1-1

The Hollywood Sign 3-2

The Empire State Building 2-1

The Washington Monument 9-2

The White House 5-1

The Seattle Space Needle 8-1

Mount Rushmore 20-1

The Alamo 50-1

Canada 85-1

The Eiffel Tower (at The Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas) 100-1

i. - Or, if I lack enough personality to have quirks but make up for it with mild good looks, Keanu Reeves.

j. - Hopefully, my disaster movie will not involve the explosion of the sun, and hence, my moment in the sun will be figurative, and not literal.